Oprah is looking for real life military wives so my online deployment buddy, Jackie and I both were going to submit hoping that we could meet in real life for the first time EVAH on National Television, ON OPRAH! Now that would make some excellent television right?
Here is my original story,
My name is Jesi and I am an Army wife.
10 years ago I was just a girl who fell in love with a soldier. 10 years later that soldier is my husband, the father of our children. 10 years later I have walked through more military separations than I can count. We have survived 2 deployments, one in Iraq, one in Afghanistan. One wedding nearly missed due to the call to assist in post Hurricane Katrina efforts. One weekend a month, 2 weeks a year is what you hear on the Guard commercials. The real story is that this is real life, full of unforeseen natural disasters, politically debated wars, tears and heartaches, gut wrenching goodbyes and sweet reunions.
I will never forget finding out that my husband was being deployed while I was pregnant with our first child. The excitement over the birth of our son became clouded with nerves and sympathetic glances. I was sitting in a meeting at my husband’s armory when the news came crashing down. The families had been invited to come to a Sunday afternoon meeting. We knew there was the possibility of a deployment on the horizon. It was spring 2007 and I came expecting to hear about military family activities or information on benefits. Nothing prepared me to hear my husband’s commander confirm our fears; your husbands are being deployed. Later this fall they will leave for training, they should get leave before deploying overseas. They will be stationed in Southern Iraq. We don’t know what the mission is, the dates may change but the deployment is inevitable.
Rob left when our son was 10 days old. I drove him to the armory early in the morning and said goodbye. I felt almost numb by that point. All of the fear and nerves and tension were released because we were finally here. Rob was gone, Max had arrived and this was to be my life for the next year. In that moment I accepted the deployment for the first time. I realized I could sink or swim and because I had a tiny human nestled in his car seat behind me I had to swim. I was a first time mom full of post partum emotions and anxiety. We made it through that deployment minute by minute, day by day. In my darkest hours as I sat rocking my baby in a darkened nursery I could do nothing more than cry out to God for answers. I wanted to know why we were enduring this separation, why it had to be in this timing. I clung to my faith and my pride in my husband like a life preserver in a raging sea. At times it was all I could do keep my head above water.
Today I am thankful. Thankful that deployment is behind us, a memory that has become just another part of our story. I am thankful for the military wives who comforted me through the pain of separation, many of whom I have never met in real life, our stories intermingled through our blogs and written tears.* I am thankful that my husband came home, safe, alive, albeit changed. We struggled through reintegration as we tried to remember how to be us, as Rob learned how to be a dad, as Max learned who this soldier was, his Daddy. We are not perfect, we are not certain what the future holds, we wait with baited breath to hear the news again but most importantly we are here, together, stronger than before, proud of our sacrifices to maintain the glory of this great country and humbled that we can call ourselves part of this story, the story of the United States Armed Forces.
*In a really interesting side note one of these military wives who was one of my biggest sources of comfort, encouragement and solace has also applied for this show. Jackie and I have never met in real life despite a year long journey together through our respective deployments. To meet her on this show would be a dream come true.
Then we realized that the limit on our story was 2000 CHARACTERS WITH SPACES INCLUDED. Bummer! My final entry was a mere blurb of above, I wanted to include " You cannot include the story of an Army wife in 2000 characters" but I was over the limit, LOL!
Well it's a God thing right, if they happen to get something from our blurbs it's ALL about God.
Love,
Jesi
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Monday, March 9, 2009
Weighing Heavily on my heart
I haven't been here in so long. And I wish that I could tell you why. I know that is a multi part answer really and here are some of the reasons.
When your husband comes home, you lose your perspective.
Life takes over as I talked about on my home blog Life with Mad Max. Life just seems busy and normal and suddenly I don't know that I have much to offer to my other military mommies. Yes, I can visit THEIR blogs and leave encouraging comments, and cheer them on as they post their own reunion photos, or cry with them from miles away because I feel the pain that they are walking in. But do I still have something to say about what it feels like when your husband is thousands of miles away? I'm not sure because mine is sitting next to me.
When you aren't living it daily, writers block takes over.
I never had to think about what to write when I was living this life as a military mommy on a day to day basis. It was my LIFE. It was my daily experience, and every morning I woke up for it to hit me square in the face. I was a single mommy because my husband was deployed. It didn't take much effort and the words came naturally. And now, what does my voice have left to share??
It's easy to forget.
It's easy to forget the pain, the tears of loneliness, the hurts, the struggles and the challenges that being a military mommy brings along. It's easy to forget when things go back to normal. When you lay yourself down at night and reach over to a warm body. It's easy to forget when you have someone to help you grocery shop and put your heavy child to bed at night and get up with you when your baby is sick at 3AM. It's so much easier.
BUT it's so easy to remember and it weighs on me heavily. I feel it daily. I see one of our best friends leaving this week for a 4 month training. I see his wife and his two babies, unknowing of what is about to happen to their family. I see them struggle with unimportant arguments and I reach over to squeeze the arm of my fellow military mommy and tell her that it's normal. I see the looks my husband recieves when he comes to church after drill weekend, still in uniform, holding the hand of our toddling child, the thank yous resonate within me. I listen to the speaker talk about how we have each been called to something, something that we struggle through, with acceptance, we shine and with open arms we learn that maybe we were meant to help someone else, to save someone else. I am reminded that it is worth it, with every pang of empathy, I am reminded what it felt like, when this was MY LIFE.
And so I sit down to write. To remember the pain and the sadness. To tell you that it is still a struggle at times when I see the effects that these wars have left behind on my husband. To pray for you. To let you know that I have not forgotten and I still think of you daily.
Always,
Jesi
When your husband comes home, you lose your perspective.
Life takes over as I talked about on my home blog Life with Mad Max. Life just seems busy and normal and suddenly I don't know that I have much to offer to my other military mommies. Yes, I can visit THEIR blogs and leave encouraging comments, and cheer them on as they post their own reunion photos, or cry with them from miles away because I feel the pain that they are walking in. But do I still have something to say about what it feels like when your husband is thousands of miles away? I'm not sure because mine is sitting next to me.
When you aren't living it daily, writers block takes over.
I never had to think about what to write when I was living this life as a military mommy on a day to day basis. It was my LIFE. It was my daily experience, and every morning I woke up for it to hit me square in the face. I was a single mommy because my husband was deployed. It didn't take much effort and the words came naturally. And now, what does my voice have left to share??
It's easy to forget.
It's easy to forget the pain, the tears of loneliness, the hurts, the struggles and the challenges that being a military mommy brings along. It's easy to forget when things go back to normal. When you lay yourself down at night and reach over to a warm body. It's easy to forget when you have someone to help you grocery shop and put your heavy child to bed at night and get up with you when your baby is sick at 3AM. It's so much easier.
BUT it's so easy to remember and it weighs on me heavily. I feel it daily. I see one of our best friends leaving this week for a 4 month training. I see his wife and his two babies, unknowing of what is about to happen to their family. I see them struggle with unimportant arguments and I reach over to squeeze the arm of my fellow military mommy and tell her that it's normal. I see the looks my husband recieves when he comes to church after drill weekend, still in uniform, holding the hand of our toddling child, the thank yous resonate within me. I listen to the speaker talk about how we have each been called to something, something that we struggle through, with acceptance, we shine and with open arms we learn that maybe we were meant to help someone else, to save someone else. I am reminded that it is worth it, with every pang of empathy, I am reminded what it felt like, when this was MY LIFE.
And so I sit down to write. To remember the pain and the sadness. To tell you that it is still a struggle at times when I see the effects that these wars have left behind on my husband. To pray for you. To let you know that I have not forgotten and I still think of you daily.
Always,
Jesi
Thursday, November 20, 2008
The Masks We Wear
I’m reading a really good book right now called Behind Those Eyes by author Lisa Whittle. You can find her blog here.
The book is supposed to address “what’s really happening in the souls of women” and let me tell you, it’s a doozy. From Ms. Perfection to Ms. Happiness to the most challenging of all, Ms. Spirituality, it takes the first chapter, The Truth Hurts to really lay it out for you.
We as women, hide behind so many different masks. We have learned from society, church, and definitely the military to put on our masks to cover an inner pain but even more so our inner beauty.
Page after page rang true for me. I saw myself written in her words, and stopped to wonder how she had gotten it so right, so on target, right in the inner depth of the struggle that every woman goes through on a daily, hourly, even minute by minute basis.
Do I cover up my feelings to avoid being hurt? Do I cover up what I really think to fit in with the crowd? Do I cover up the tears with a mask covered in the finest makeup, the makeup that thinly veils what I’m really feeling?
I know that when my husband was deployed I didn’t want to feel the hurt and the pain of being alone. I learned to use my masks with the best of the best of them. I could cover up the heartache of deployment with my most matter of fact explanation. “Yes, my husbands deployed, To Iraq, he left when our son was 10 days old, he should be back around his first birthday” Nonchalant conversations that pierced my soul nonetheless.
As you walk through another day dealing with this life of deployment, of being a military mommy, I encourage you to take off your mask for a moment. Experience the pain, the healing, and the raw vulnerability of really getting real.
Tomorrow, from the book, The Truth Heals. But for today, what mask have you been wearing lately?
Always,
Jesi
The book is supposed to address “what’s really happening in the souls of women” and let me tell you, it’s a doozy. From Ms. Perfection to Ms. Happiness to the most challenging of all, Ms. Spirituality, it takes the first chapter, The Truth Hurts to really lay it out for you.
We as women, hide behind so many different masks. We have learned from society, church, and definitely the military to put on our masks to cover an inner pain but even more so our inner beauty.
Page after page rang true for me. I saw myself written in her words, and stopped to wonder how she had gotten it so right, so on target, right in the inner depth of the struggle that every woman goes through on a daily, hourly, even minute by minute basis.
Do I cover up my feelings to avoid being hurt? Do I cover up what I really think to fit in with the crowd? Do I cover up the tears with a mask covered in the finest makeup, the makeup that thinly veils what I’m really feeling?
I know that when my husband was deployed I didn’t want to feel the hurt and the pain of being alone. I learned to use my masks with the best of the best of them. I could cover up the heartache of deployment with my most matter of fact explanation. “Yes, my husbands deployed, To Iraq, he left when our son was 10 days old, he should be back around his first birthday” Nonchalant conversations that pierced my soul nonetheless.
As you walk through another day dealing with this life of deployment, of being a military mommy, I encourage you to take off your mask for a moment. Experience the pain, the healing, and the raw vulnerability of really getting real.
Tomorrow, from the book, The Truth Heals. But for today, what mask have you been wearing lately?
Always,
Jesi
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Identity
Have you hidden yourself inside the identity of being an Army wife, a military mommy?
Boy did I ever! During this deployment I clung so tightly to the ideals, to what my husband was fighting for, the reason we were sacrificing of ourselves.
I watched Army Wives every Sunday (even when it got silly and outrageous) I talked to other Army wives and military mommys, I read books, started writing my own and connected with my inner warrior. You know the one, the one who gives you the strength to make it just one more day.
Being an Army wife and a military mommy became a part of my identity. It became a part of who I was. I had to explain over and over again that my husband was deployed. That he left when Max was 10 days old. That he would be home by Max's first birthday. That I didn't neccesarily disagree with the war. That I did disagree with those who made the troops feel opposed and unsupported.
Despite the tears, the sleepless nights, the fear, the worry and the hardest days, being an Army wife and military mommy has shaped the woman that I am today. And for that, I am thankful.
How has this crazy ride shaped your identity?
Always,
Jesi
Boy did I ever! During this deployment I clung so tightly to the ideals, to what my husband was fighting for, the reason we were sacrificing of ourselves.
I watched Army Wives every Sunday (even when it got silly and outrageous) I talked to other Army wives and military mommys, I read books, started writing my own and connected with my inner warrior. You know the one, the one who gives you the strength to make it just one more day.
Being an Army wife and a military mommy became a part of my identity. It became a part of who I was. I had to explain over and over again that my husband was deployed. That he left when Max was 10 days old. That he would be home by Max's first birthday. That I didn't neccesarily disagree with the war. That I did disagree with those who made the troops feel opposed and unsupported.
Despite the tears, the sleepless nights, the fear, the worry and the hardest days, being an Army wife and military mommy has shaped the woman that I am today. And for that, I am thankful.
How has this crazy ride shaped your identity?
Always,
Jesi
Monday, November 10, 2008
You're So Blessed
I don't believe in Luck, because I do believe in God. I know that everything happens for a reason (even when I cannot see the reason and I spend hours crying in the darkness of my sons nursery)
But in the darkness of winter, when the nights turn black so early in the evening. And the seasons surround you with a snowy joy that threatens to overtake your sanity, it's hard to remember that you are NOT unlucky, that this life is not a curse, but that YOU ARE immensely blessed.
You are so blessed to have your Prince Charming. To know the feeling of a love that surpasses a distance, a challenge, and yes, even a deployment.
You are so blessed to have the joy of being a mother.
Of holding a healthy baby and knowing that you formed him (or her) in your womb.
You are so blessed to have a faith to hold on to.
So blessed to know our God.
You are so blessed to have a home to sleep in. A bed to keep you warm.
So blessed to make a meal to share with your children. Your family. Your friends.
You are so blessed to be married to man of strength. Of character. Brave, loving, caring, faithful.
So blessed to have your life.
Even the parts that make you cry in stores. Make you question why the holiday displays must be up already.
You are so blessed to celebrate this season.
Knowing that our Savior was born on Christmas Day, coming to save us.
So blessed to be saved.
So Blessed. So Blessed. So Blessed.
Counting the blessings. It's hard when your soul is threatened by the wintery darkness. Just try.
Always,
Jesi
But in the darkness of winter, when the nights turn black so early in the evening. And the seasons surround you with a snowy joy that threatens to overtake your sanity, it's hard to remember that you are NOT unlucky, that this life is not a curse, but that YOU ARE immensely blessed.
You are so blessed to have your Prince Charming. To know the feeling of a love that surpasses a distance, a challenge, and yes, even a deployment.
You are so blessed to have the joy of being a mother.
Of holding a healthy baby and knowing that you formed him (or her) in your womb.
You are so blessed to have a faith to hold on to.
So blessed to know our God.
You are so blessed to have a home to sleep in. A bed to keep you warm.
So blessed to make a meal to share with your children. Your family. Your friends.
You are so blessed to be married to man of strength. Of character. Brave, loving, caring, faithful.
So blessed to have your life.
Even the parts that make you cry in stores. Make you question why the holiday displays must be up already.
You are so blessed to celebrate this season.
Knowing that our Savior was born on Christmas Day, coming to save us.
So blessed to be saved.
So Blessed. So Blessed. So Blessed.
Counting the blessings. It's hard when your soul is threatened by the wintery darkness. Just try.
Always,
Jesi
Thursday, November 6, 2008
I'd like to introduce you to my friend
I'd like to take today to introduce you to my friend, my sister in this crazy world that we call the Military, Jackie.
Check out her most recent post on her new blog, True Confessions of an Army Wife.
http://trueconfessionsofanarmywife.blogspot.com/
When I stumbled across another Army wife and military mommy on an internet forum earlier in the year I decided to take a moment and chat with this woman that I have never met.
Our stories were similiar, young baby boys, husbands gone, stong believers in Christ. We were destined to know each other, if only through the blogosphere. Even though we have never met, and maybe never will, I consider her a friend.
Jackie is the ultimate Military Wife. She sends her husband Aaron, homemade goodies and amazing care packages on a set schedule. She has carried her laptop around in case he can webcam. She is positive and sweet and loves her husband, despite the hard circumstances that the military has given her.
Beyond that, she is an amazing military mommy, my sister in Christ, an inspiration to me, and should be an inspiration to you too. She has it together and she is making it day by day, counting down the weeks, getting through the holidays, and raising a beautiful, healthy, strong, SuperBaby named Cayman.
If you don't already know Jackie from her blog, go check her out. I promise you will leave inspired by the courageous heart of another military wife and mommy, surviving this thing we call deployment. Kudos to Jackie, for all that she does!
Pray for her, Aaron and Cayman too.
Always,
Jesi
Check out her most recent post on her new blog, True Confessions of an Army Wife.
http://trueconfessionsofanarmywife.blogspot.com/
When I stumbled across another Army wife and military mommy on an internet forum earlier in the year I decided to take a moment and chat with this woman that I have never met.
Our stories were similiar, young baby boys, husbands gone, stong believers in Christ. We were destined to know each other, if only through the blogosphere. Even though we have never met, and maybe never will, I consider her a friend.
Jackie is the ultimate Military Wife. She sends her husband Aaron, homemade goodies and amazing care packages on a set schedule. She has carried her laptop around in case he can webcam. She is positive and sweet and loves her husband, despite the hard circumstances that the military has given her.
Beyond that, she is an amazing military mommy, my sister in Christ, an inspiration to me, and should be an inspiration to you too. She has it together and she is making it day by day, counting down the weeks, getting through the holidays, and raising a beautiful, healthy, strong, SuperBaby named Cayman.
If you don't already know Jackie from her blog, go check her out. I promise you will leave inspired by the courageous heart of another military wife and mommy, surviving this thing we call deployment. Kudos to Jackie, for all that she does!
Pray for her, Aaron and Cayman too.
Always,
Jesi
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